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I found your letter the other day
My eyes a-round at the words it said
Did your heart pound as you wrote “Dear May”
As mine wound before it dead?

Your sure and steady manuscript
And pen full of ink equipped
Flowed into words of none clipped
While my soul into two, ripped.

Tears plunged onto the folded page
My mind lunged back to a fonder age
Our lives have ranged, as we bask in sage
The wage you won. Are we done?

Are we?

Good Things That Happened This Week

– met some deadlines

– finished the required reading for a class, almost last-minute

– I got to explain to people who Jimmer is

– saw an interesting French movie

– enjoyed In-N-Out burgers with a friend for her birthday

– did well on a couple of quizzes that weren’t from French class

– wrote a couple fun responses

– no big snafus at work

– treats at work on Friday

– strides in my personal life

– crazy snow on Tuesday

– exercise

– sleep

We’re not focusing on the negative. That’s not this list.

Let’s see what this week brings.

Irritable Things

I did a thing on my way home which caused someone to do a thing. And that caused me to want to do or say other things, but I held back on doing or saying such things. I mean, that someone was about to do a thing, and if I hadn’t done my thing, then that someone would have done that thing, and my thing seemed like a perfectly benign thing to do, but apparently the person thought differently and did another thing instead of the original thing that didn’t happen because I did a thing that stopped it. Seriously, what was I supposed to do? I wasn’t about to do a completely different thing; maybe just that someone was having a bad day and was finding excuses to do the pettiest things. I can understand that. It’s the first day of class, and all of a sudden frillions of students appear from nowhere, but come on, someone, it’s your job to do certain things, and people do things with an expectation of those things to be done. So, just do them.

I also papercut myself. I hate that.

***

In other news, today was a decent first day. I was on campus before 0800, but I basically have class from 0930-2000, with a couple of breaks in between. And none of my classes start on the hour.

French 321: 930
French 202: 1205
English 356: 1335
English 292: 1710

Fun stuff, right?

Bonjour!

Je vais commencer d’écrire en français au moins une fois chaque semaine, parce que je veux améliorer.

Je viens de parler avec Mme Thompson, et c’était amusant. Elle m’a donné beaucoup d’information et m’a montré des photos. J’ai posé des questions, et elle a répondu. Pourtant, quand je suis entrée dans le bureau, j’ai oublié comment parler en français (parce que j’étais nerveuse), donc nous avons parlé en anglais.

Elle a posé des questions de mes notes. Quand je lui ai dit, elle a dit que je ferais le prochaîne suivant.

Au sujet avons-nous parlé? Vous êtes curieux, n’est-ce pas?

Things

Things are a little weird, strained, different. But not unfamiliar.

I’ve been here before, and it’s been my fault, and I had a hard lesson to learn.

I’m ready to do it again. Whatever it takes.

At least it’s busy today. The distraction helps for now.

Thanks to those so far who have made my day fun.

Here we go.

I’m Sleepy

I was sleepy three hours ago when I told myself I’d go to bed. I lay and stared into the darkness. I raised the blinds to see if I could catch any of the meteor shower. I couldn’t. Sleep brings on another, new day, but sometimes I’d rather torture myself. Punish myself, because I am not the person I should be. That is just the truth right now.

The platitudes are useless: I know everyone feels that way at some point, or even at many points, in their lives. I know it very well could be a phase. I know this pain is more than just being away from New York or feeling inadequate because of employment or school or social circles or family or bank accounts. It’ll pass; it will all work out. Of course it will.

Why do I do this to myself?

It’s raining stars in our solar system right now. Leo’s mane crackles. If I were to jump high into the sky and catch one of those stars on my tongue, it would burn. My whole soul would catch fire and be consumed instantly in the vacuum beyond our atmosphere. I am nowhere near ready for such glory – subtelestial – even that of meteors blazing in their own orbit.

Just Another Ramble Because Sleep is Actually the Elephant in the Room

Sitting in bed, lights off. Pajamas on, double the covers because it feels particularly cold in my room. I’m ready for bed. I usually don’t blog in bed, because bed is for sleeping. But I can’t sleep. My thoughts defy me. Some really interesting things are coming together in my life that make sense of why I’m down here in Florida. Right now, I don’t know what I could possibly offer. Prayers, I suppose. Those come in a constant stream. I mean, the whole predicament with the bank hasn’t completely cleared yet, and I had to approach my mom to borrow some money, and when I was telling her on the phone about the situation, I felt a blush heat my face, and all this shame washed over me. And it’s not like I’ve done anything wrong, but it’s the habitual association: all this bad stuff is happening, and that must mean I’m being punished. My logical brain grimaces, but that’s the best it can do, just because the emotional half has taken over. Good things happened today. I finished babysitting and the friend’s parents took over, and my friends seemed especially grateful for the service. Some friends sent me a pretty sweet package from New York City, complete with snickerdoodles and cool music and thoughtful missives. And my mom did agree to loan me the money to conduct some Utah-related business, not so much because she knew I could repay her, but because I happen to be in a little bit of trouble, and I am her child, and she wants to take care of me. Also, my hives are clearing up and now whatever itching comes from my more familiar dry skin, and that’s nothing a good slathering of lotion can’t fix. But, you know, it’s been a well-balanced day, because when I started the car to leave my friend’s from babysitting at 6:30 this morning, it wouldn’t start. And when I thought back to the previous day I’d taken the kids for a short drive to a park, and when I pulled back into the garage and hauled the children back into the house, car seats included, I’d left one of the car doors open, and that drained the battery. So I had to trouble people for a jump start. My friend’s parents, who were taking over the rest of the gig. They were nice enough about it, but that little lapse happened to settle on the pile of things that have made me feel like an idiot. Two bags of snickerdoodles came in that package today, and when I came back from meeting my mom at the bank, one of those bags was missing. And it turned out that the resident dachshund had his way with that bag. I mean, I’m glad he enjoyed the cookies, and he did provide some comic relief to my day. It could have been much worse. And it’s not like the universe rides solely around my life. I’m well aware of kidnappings in my town and shootings everywhere and the world even more quickly crumbling on itself. So now, while I’m not sleeping, I’m trying to sort things out: It’s all personal. It’s all related. But some things hold clear priority over others. And I have to figure out a way to step up and reach out and face some of the real reasons why I’m here in Florida. Because I’m a good friend and daughter and sister. I just have to keep praying. I’m trying not to feel helpless, but something tells me that’s at least part of the point. And the very reasons I can’t sleep right now might also explain why I want to curl up in a little ball. And close my eyes. And pull the double covers over my head. Until it all goes away. 

But that’s not going to happen.

The Best General Advice I Could Ever Follow Right Now

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

So …

I could, but I shouldn’t, so I didn’t.

And it’s the best for everybody.

Sorry, kids, I can’t get more specific than that.

Hopefully this time next year when I revisit this post I will have forgotten what it was all about.

***

Oh! I’m going to be gone the rest of this week, so a couple of guest bloggers will appear. Stay tuned.