hopeless crushes

Part of a Conversation on Martin Scorsese’s The Departed — SPOILER ALERT

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The movie won four Academy Awards. It’s dark, but it’s funny in the right places. It’s vulgar, violent and bitter. It’s not for viewers who like blatantly happy endings. Or even subtly happy endings. If you like rats, though, this is for you.

The following is an online chat about the movie. It has been edited for clarity. Skip the rest of this post to avoid spoilers.

person 1: you watch de-potted?
person 2: yiss
person 1: whatchoo fink?
person 2: he shooted him!
  they all shooted!
person 1: he shooted weo in da heed!
  did mawk wahboag and awick bodween meek you waff?
person 2: yiss
person 1: they funny–but they say the f wodes and the c wodes a lot
person 2: wots of bad wodes!
—
I don’t know why these people chat in baby talk. They seem pretty darn cute, though. And insufferably awesome.

It’s Weird to Think She’s Only Five Years Older than Me

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Okay, she makes a great Fantine, but I actually first encountered her as Eponine. Lea Salonga is my normalform of Eponine. In my mind, no one can be better.

I know this song is an anthem for a lot of you out there. Me, too.

***

Tuesday is my last day of class. Next Tuesday morning is my last day of finals.

I’m still working on getting more funding for Senegal. I hope I won’t have to withdraw from the program.

Also, I can’t shake a ___ that I have on a ___ with a ___. I know, I know: get out before it gets messy. I have a plan in mind, and I hope it works. Goodness knows I don’t need anymore drama.

This Summer’s Solstice Is My Soul’s Poultice

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Bless this sunshine.

Fifteen hours of it yesterday, and I’m in a part of the world where I can enjoy it with the least amount of whining.  It surprises me just as much to find myself declaring Utah such a dandy place. The mountains are green with the slightest veinings of snow at their summits, pushing the clouds higher, clearing the sky.  The lows are in the 50s and the highs graze the 80s; the lack of humidity allows one to actually feel the temperature range and even the difference between standing in the shade and under the sun in the middle of the day. It’s neat.

I feel I can breathe.

Yesterday was also the first day of class for the summer term. I was up before the sunrise, just because I can’t seem not to sleep in. I prepared for the day, caught the bus, went to class, went for a run, took a shower, did my homework, wrote for a little bit, went to hang out with the church group at the bishop’s home in Pleasant Grove; we picked strawberries and watched chickens and enjoyed the summer evening air until 9:45, when the sun seemed reluctantly to set. I got home, then my day got even more interesting.

The night air was cool, but not bracing. That only meant getting out of the hot tub was that more refreshing. The time spent before and after that thermal dip sets the tone for my summer.

Oh man, does it ever.

I walked back to my apartment and toweled off and got dressed. I went to bed a little after midnight and ended up waking up at 2:45 this morning. My mind was racing, and I loved it. I finally settled down after an hour and woke up again at 6am, then my day began as usual.

It’s interesting how summer days unfold.

A little text from my phone, outbound: “It was nice spending some time face to face. My thumbs definitely appreciate the break. : )”

In response: “I feel we accomplished much more in the few minutes than days of thumb reps!”

I met with an immigration lawyer today about an immigration issue. The discussion boiled down to somebody sucking an egg. That somebody is neither I nor the lawyer.

Summer feels really good so far. Keep it coming.

Contained Chaos

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I don’t know how many thoughts are bouncing around in my brain.

This morning I thought about an old crush and hearing his voice and the last time I’ll probably speak to him. He and I could always talk easily to each other. We’d harmlessly flirt but more enjoyed bantering. Our friendship always prevailed over any romantic feelings I had for him, even though I’ll get fleetingly furious about it still, I will truly miss him.

I thought about how many people would notice my crying on the subway this morning.

I thought about the time I told a friend who moved from the city that her moving was really good for me. She asked how, and I said it caused me to step up in a lot of ways. I attended church with her quite a few times when I wasn’t feeling particularly LDS. Her moving allowed me to confront my codependent tendencies; to reconsider my priorities. It brought to light how drawn I am to broken people. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean, I guess we’re all broken to some degree. And like anyone else, it’s good to be around people I can relate to.

I took my drill back home this morning. I thought about taking apart my bed: when to do it, whether I should sell it or store it or take it with me.

I thought about what Becky’s wedding dress is going to look like.

A former roommate is staying the week with us.  As she headed toward the door to leave, she stopped in the entryway and I poked my head out of the bedroom. She told me she loved me, and that it was good to see me, then she closed the door behind her, and maybe I cried a little bit.

I thought once I could cry until I ran out of tears.

I can’t run out of tears.

Waiter at Gennaro’s, I’ll be pining for you forever.

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The way you apologized for the wait
and recited the specials

I felt bad when you looked mostly at me
and not my friends

Only sort of bad

because, I did know what I was doing
when I asked about the menu

Pasta with meat sauce?
Risotto with seafood?

You made me laugh and
talked me into the risotto.

That “really interested” expression
about the menu was more than

just about the menu

Are you on the menu?

Keep talking
Keep looking at me

I’ll keep smiling
and trying not to blush

Blue eyes and
Dark brown, slightly wavy hair
medium length

Not perfectly combed
And yet

it is.

I can’t get enough

I really was interested
in you

but too shy
to say

You brought over the check
And we smiled at each other

and my friends laughed
And I slipped in a few more dollars

for your tip.

As my friends and I headed toward the door
to exit

I turned and saw you standing by the bar
and you looked at me

I waved
you waved

I walked out the door
heaved a forlorn sigh

and that was it.