So, I’ve tried visualizing it.
What’s blurry is the part where I give my consent to my mom’s cousin, whose brother happened to run into my biological father. In the Philippines. Right place at the right time. Probability baffles.
What’s a little more clear is me sitting somewhere with him, and we’re talking. I don’t know where we decide to meet. In my mind it looks like a counter in a public place. Is it in the United States? Is it in the Philippines? Would he be willing to travel? Do I need to continue sitting on my hands waiting for the government to let me know when I can swear in as a US citizen so I can apply for a passport so I can travel?
Who are my half-brothers and sisters?
How long has he been looking for me?
How often did I cross his mind these last 32 years?
I imagine him being slightly tortured. He knew I existed all this time, but I had no idea of him until I was about 20 years old.
If I had known longer, would I have gone looking for him? He’s been a faint blip on my radar, but like I said, the possibility of meeting had never really occurred to me. It wasn’t possible. It wasn’t reality. Plus, I already have a Dad.
I have this full life, halfway around the world, with friends and career and family. I could strive for more and probably will, but this is probably the happiest I’ve ever been.
That doesn’t explain the sudden tears from two days ago. I still don’t understand it. Usually I can identify emotions. This one’s new, or the reason behind it is one I haven’t experienced. Of course. Maybe I’ve deliberately or subconsciously set this part of my life aside, I haven’t processed it the way I should. So maybe that’s why I’m confused.
Confused? Well, yeah, I guess. This loose end is now more prominent, more present, more immediate, and I have to address it. It didn’t seem to need closure, but now it is an issue I understand needs a resolution. That’s all I understand. I understand enough to be redundant, that’s how confused I am. At least I understand that.
Is he religious?
What are his sensibilities? his tendencies? Do we have similar gestures? facial expressions? idiosyncrasies?
I guess I’m also curious. But the stronger emotion wins here. It makes everthing blurry.
Maybe there’s something he needs to say to me. And maybe it’s something I need to hear.
I wish this made sense.