Perspectives

I don’t have these conversations thinking I’ll post them later on this blog. My friends listen. They respond. They do and say things that humble me and support me and comfort me. They make me smile. And sometimes, I want everyone to see how awesome my friends are, and more often than not, their own words speak very loudly and very clearly for themselves.

So. More gushing about friends, except I really don’t have to say much at all. Struggling. Same old story. Friends helping me get through. Friends knowing what to say. Friends helping me pluck my head from the sand. Or relash a broken raft. Or tossing me a life preserver. Thank goodness for gchat; thank goodness for friends.

1:you think you’re drifting from friends because your life is about to go in a different direction?
or the relationships are in limbo a little bit?
me: oh i don’t know
it’s all one big blurry mess
1: hmmm
me: it’s probably a bit of both
1: do you think it might feel more like a big blurry mess than it actually is because you have more time to think about it at the moment? 🙂
paralysis of analysis sort of stuff?
me: i may concede some parallax
and some deep self-absorption because i have nothing else to think about
1: I’m the queen of that
yeah, that’s sort of how I get in the summer
just know that those relationships are solid and secure, but just in a bit of flux right now
they’ll still be there before, after, and during any transition you’re going through
me: thanks
oh man
has anyone ever said that to you and it sounded like the newest, freshest advice anyone has ever given?
1: no, but I wish they would sometimes!!!! 🙂
trust me, I know what it’s like to be in the middle of a situation and unable to find clarity
me: that’s totally what i needed to hear
1: I’m so glad 🙂
not to be corny, but that probably means it was a message from God, not me
me: you’re being a proper instrument, then
which i’m grateful for
1: well, thanks, I needed to hear that, too 🙂
and now I’m headed to bed because [the very cute dog] won’t stop barking at me and I think he’s telling me to go to sleep already
me: oh, the constants in our lives …
thanks for the wisdom.
1: amen 🙂

me: had a short meeting with the bishop today
just gave him an update
2: did he give you any good advice?
me: yeah. he’s great
gave me some resources from the stake
got to tell him how hard it is not to fall into a pit of self-loathing and loserhood
did well not to cry
(very much)
2: I wish I could give you a hug
me: thanks
2: I don’t know how, but things will work out
me: yeah
2: which I’m sure everyone keeps telling you
me: it helps.
the negative thoughts are trying to win
so it helps
2: you aren’t a loser
you have a ton to give
times are just tough
you seriously amaze me
so often… you don’t even know
just keep that in mind…
you, my friend, are truly a treasure
me: thanks. that’s really kind of you
2: it’s honest
not kind
you don’t give yourself enough credit
which I get
but you should just sometimes take a step back and realize how amazing you are
you are smart
and kind
and determined
and so very, incredibly thoughtful
you think things out
you understand things
me: wow
gosh
2: you don’t need to say anything
but
just
take a second
and remember that YOU are a daughter of GOD
you are royal
you
are something special
don’t let anyone or anything make you think otherwise

I may have cried during these conversations.

I review these chats; I reread them and wonder how it is ever possible to feel sorry for myself. What more can I say? My friends speak the truth, and I am incredibly blessed.

How June Begins

It’s an unusually cool morning. Seminary this week is going to prove to be a little turbulent; today was a little rough, with the students hyper and distracted and loving each other’s company to the point of seeming to forget they were in seminary. I observed some glimmers of redirection, and I tried keeping everyone on track, but I sensed a little defeat today. Hang in there, guys. Let’s finish strong.

I mistakenly took the D train at 59th Street on my way home. I didn’t realize it until I was at the 155th Street stop. Earphones securely plugged into my ears and blaring catchy tunes while I concentrated on the day’s crossword puzzle and sudoku. I got off at the Yankee Stadium stop and backtracked to 145th Street, where I transferred to the uptown A.

I actually got into bed at 10:30 last night, expecting to fall asleep relatively quickly. I had dinner and belated but love-infused birthday brownies with one of my favorite families yesterday after church. Somehow I managed to spend almost five hours with them. I kinda didn’t want to go home to my empty apartment; my roommates are out of town. I walked through Fort Tryon Park. It was around sunset, the park was beautiful and green and a slight breeze swayed the trees, and all sorts of emotions washed over me, and my soul was a filter and kept the bigger chunks.

I reached home and unlocked the door hoping someone else would be there. No one. I sent a few texts to friends. Watched a little bit of television. Got ready for bed.

Said my prayers, and actually felt grateful no one else was home, because then I got to pray aloud. There’s a different power in uttering prayers. Not necessarily better, but for me it helps me focus and organize all my scrambled thoughts and emotions. Not that the Lord doesn’t already know.

I lay in bed, recounted the day. Cried a lot, sent a few more texts to friends. Cried a bit more, kind of hoping the crying would lead to sleep, but it wasn’t doing it quickly enough. Maybe I got to sleep after midnight.

Started Google chatting with some friends this morning. Here’s part of one conversation:

me:  got my bishop to give me a blessing
friend:  oh good!
me:  yeah. really good
friend:  peace and clarity in abundance?
me:  peace. and clarity. the most bizarre confirmation that my will is maybe starting to line up with the Lord’s a little
kinda shocking to me
friend:  hey that is great!
me:  incredibly humbling

I wish I could articulate better what I’m going through. Little quotable snippets by C.S. Lewis or Elder Neal A. Maxwell come to mind. Also, a statement the commencement speaker made at Becky’s graduation applies, if indirectly: Something about reading to learn, and writing to discover. So maybe writing could extend or include the experiences or processes about which we write. Maybe as words appear on the screen as we type or as ink marks paper, thoughts literally materialize. Things happen.

Maybe I think of writing in terms of praying aloud. At least where power is concerned.

Insider Info

10:36 PM me: [friend]

braveboy’s friend: hi may

how are you?

me: doing fine. you?

braveboy’s friend: pretty good

me: so … tell me about [brave boy]

braveboy’s friend: he’s a good guy

10:37 PM let me see

how much do you know about him

he’s a patent attorney

and he’s the workhorse of our branch

[another friend] make’s him do all the work

me: i didn’t know what he did for a living.

we talked briefly at speed dating

10:38 PM we showed up on each other’s yes lists

braveboy’s friend: oh cool

that’s exciting

he’s really smart

and I can tell he works through a lot of things in his head before executing

he thinks a lot about the gospel and doctrine

10:39 PM pretty much if there is an opportunity for him to sign up for service, he’ll do it

me: very cool

braveboy’s friend: pretty sure his undergrad was in chem engineering

was that the only time you guys have met?

10:40 PM me: he’s kind of on the einstein track, then, doing patent work, thinking quantum things on the side

that is the only time we met

he seems pretty easy to talk to

braveboy’s friend: yeah he’s a friendly guy

10:41 PM me: well, he emailed me his number. i’m supposed to call him so we can plan meeting up

braveboy’s friend: are you going to call?

me: …

braveboy’s friend: haha

me: i actually texted him, saying i’d try calling tomorrow night

10:42 PM braveboy’s friend: so he has your number them

sorry, then

me: that’s right

i’m a little nervous, honestly

10:43 PM braveboy’s friend: yeah I totally understand

you’re nervous to go on a date?

10:44 PM me: at the whole thing, i guess

braveboy’s friend: yeah dating is always a little painful, I think

me: have to give it a shot, though

braveboy’s friend: oh yeah totally, you never know

never a bad idea to get to know somebody better

10:45 PM me: thanks for the information

it’s very helpful

braveboy’s friend: yeah if you need any more info. I don’t know if that was helpful at all

10:46 PM i hope this doesn’t scare you at all, but he’s definitely in the mindset to get married

10:47 PM me: now THAT’S helpful

braveboy’s friend: so I find that refreshing in a lot of ny guys

he’s not going to waste your time for sure

10:48 PM me: very good to know

i appreciate it

braveboy’s friend: no problem

Simultaneous Google Chats

Background: My Neighbor posts as her Google chat status something about not being a person’s friend anymore. I see her status, and the following conversations follow. Me and the neighbor in the left column, me and her roommate in the right.

6:57 PM me: was he super mean to you?

does someone need to kick him?

6:58 PM Neighbor: ha ha

maybe

he posted the worst picture of me on facebook

me: oh crap. i’m logging in right now

Neighbor: and the stauts is my only form of retaliation

lol

7:00 PM me: is it the winter album?

Neighbor: yea

in the back of the car

lol

sick

me: that’s not bad at all

Neighbor: ha ha

7:01 PM well if it was your face merging int a pile of neck skin you might feel differently.. lol

ha ha

me: LOL

i do suppose the timing was bad

Neighbor: ha ha

7:02 PM me: but if he saw you, then why are you in the frame? or is it because he saw you?

Neighbor: ha ha

i am sure it is becuase he saw me

7:03 PM it is just hard to buckle your seat belt in the back of vw bug

sigh

me: maybe you can tell him to crop it


7:04 PM Neighbor: hey her roommate jsut told me what you said!


7:05 PM me: oh no!

Neighbor: that’s right

Isee how it is

lol

me: busted. i am so busted


7:06 PM Neighbor: it is my jedi mind power that makes people tell me things

me: she said you twisted her arm

Neighbor: mentally

from my room

she was to far way to get to

I am a bit tired

ha ah

7:07 PM me: is her roommate okay?

7:09 PM Neighbor: the doctor said it will only take four to six weeks to heal


7:10 PM me: that’s good

7:02 PM me: do i need to sympathize with neighbor? i saw the photo

Her roommate: that’s a tricky one.


7:03 PM i told her that if it was my photo that i would ask to have it taken down

but since it is her it’s HILARIOUS.

me: well, to her face i’m being quite understanding

but i’m laughing at the same time

Her roommate: hahahahahahahahahahaha

7:05 PM me: you are a double agent! oh no you didn’t

Her roommate: She made me tell her! she pinned me down and twisted my arme!

she has a lot of pent up frustrations

me: did she morph into faceneck and scare you?

7:06 PM Her roommate: hahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

i’m crying i’m laughing so hard!

oh no!

she wants to know why i’m laughing!

????

me: oh crap

Her roommate: !

7:07 PM me: quick. tell her something else

Her roommate: i’ll tell her that i’m laughing at….

7:09 PM Faceneck should be her wrestling name

me: ha!

Her roommate: i might have to tell her.

because it’s so funny