You should have seen me as a youth: reading my scriptures every day, going to seminary, being the stake scripture mastery champion, going to church when my parents were inactive. I was a fine little example of commitment to religion.

Of course, as life went on I wasn’t perfect, but I knew the church was always there in case I wanted to go back.

I’m not perfect. I don’t read my scriptures every day now. Church is a struggle to attend sometimes. At times I find myself rolling my eyes at talks or silently criticizing lessons, though it’s a nice surprise when I enjoy church because of an especially sensitive talk or balanced discussion.

I was very recently Primary president in two different wards, and I still struggled. I wasn’t perfect, but I worked hard at being the best Primary president I could be.

I don’t know. These feelings creep up, and I don’t know what to do.

As of now, we’re not super devout Mormons. We believe all the fundamental Christlike things. I love people, and I want to serve and help them. I want to be an awesome friend, mother, and wife. An awesome May.

It’s a combination of things, really: personal trials, policies, politics, raising our daughter to be able to make good decisions and be a kind person. Asking “What if?” all the time.

Yet we’re sticking around. Why, if there’s so much grief, so much struggle between the spirit and mind? Part of me needs to wait it out. Something’s going to change, and it possibly could be me, and it could be another bunch of things. Part of me needs to have faith for my loved ones.

I’ll push myself. But when it gets hard and I don’t feel like pushing anymore, I might pause until I feel like pushing again. Maybe one of these days the church I thought I believed in so much as a youth can be a church I can fully commit myself to again.

3 thoughts on “Mormonish

  1. May–I ant to copy this as if I wrote it myself and add to it and then post it somewhere for me. This is where I am at and have been for a long time. Gosh lots I could say about that and how nice it would be to know you better and here about all your experiences and share I’m intrigued by these conversations.

  2. Sad to hear, although I had times in my life where I felt very similar. For me, God has been more stable and reliable than anything else in my life and the only times when that was going bad is when I was rejecting him.

    People in the church are sometimes scary, and definitely I have had a lot of things that I haven’t understood, and sometimes it took years of learning different things about God and the gospel and myself before I really got them… but God has always been there for me, helping me to learn and understand, and I can never walk away from that, or him. I don’t do it for anyone else.

    Good luck in your path. If you keep talking to God, as well as listening, I know he will help you find peace.

  3. Have I told you lately that I love you? You are an awesome May. An awesome you and an awesome mother and an awesome wonderful incredible friend. Good grief, how I adore you. ❤

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