and I typed a rather firm reply, clicked “send” and let it all go. The worst they can do is reject me again. Then I’ll just stop working so hard. It’s not worth being so grumpy all the time.
I can’t live down mistakes I made a decade ago. They won’t go away.
It’s been a hard week. I know conversations with family are supposed to be good things, and I do feel like we have made some progress. Yet, I had to correct my dad about a couple of things he didn’t accurately remember about the past. Relatively small things, and not too far from some much more significant things. And he has not indicated in the least that he even remembers those really huge things, or that they affected me the way they did. He hasn’t had to bear any guilt about those things, and I don’t know if I’ve ever really wanted him to. Sometimes I do. He suffers a lot already. My making him feel guilty won’t make what’s left of my pain go away. The frustration flares sometimes.
It has come slowly, living down his mistakes from over twenty-five years ago.
I’m grateful for that.