This past weekend, I spent more time on the phone than I have in a very long time. I can’t describe everything here, but it was eye-opening, and I’m grateful for all that I learned.
The following chat is with a friend I haven’t spoken to in a while. I’m blessed to have her around.
My mind is drawing a big blank. I didn’t really sleep last night, and I won’t get any real sleep until Saturday night. I can’t muster the energy to form a complete thought right now. I guess … life is hard in so many ways. It comes at us from so many directions. I hope all my friends out there find what they’re looking for. You’ll see I don’t give awesome advice, but it’s nice just to be there for them.
friend: May, I lost my voice (writing) and I’m finding it, but the way it’s coming through is in the corporate bs kind of writing and it’s stunted and stifled and choked.
So…
10:08 PM I thought of you, and all that writing you started doing in NYC, and the blog, and the classes and how you’ve been like a dog with a bone
Never letting up. And I admire that.
me: friend, that’s really kind
friend: So I realized, I have to write for myself if I want anyone to appreciate/value my gift.
I can’t wait for organizations to affirm what i
10:09 PM ‘m doing and then get all bent out of shape when they want something else.
Instead of sitting there crying and wondering if I even have a gift at all.
10:10 PM And my mind kept returning to you..and your determination and your persistence iwth it.
10:11 PM I want that, but fear I don’t have it. Or that I’m too afraid to really try. I keep myself in a no-win situation, that way I can always blame so many other factors and secretly think “they just don’t know a great writing voice when they read it”
I thought I had somethign to offer, but tonight I realize, [company] doesn’t want it.
10:12 PM it hurts. But it’s good to know. and like I said. There’s a choice before me. The truth is there to seize or not.
Thanks for being patient with me. Encouraging my gifts, seeing them, etc.
me: you know i’m there for you. whatever you need
10:13 PM keep up the patience with yourself
friend: Thanks May. That’s amazing to me right now. But true, if you say so.
Does any of this resonate with you having “watched” me for years?
10:15 PM me: yes, it comes and goes for me
phases and such
i went through a time last semester when i was wondering constantly if i’ve forgotten how to write
friend: I guess what I’m asking is does it seem that I have gifts I don’t know how to let out, or seem to squander
?
10:16 PM me: i think it’s important to find appropriate outlets for your gifts
which can be hard to do
putting feelers out there
and risking rejection
10:17 PM knowing how those gifts manifest is quite the process as well
you just have to keep writing
letting people read your stuff. getting feedback
10:18 PM get with other creatives who are actively engaging in a community
find out where they’re submitting
get some positive comments, ride on that momentum
10:19 PM you have talent
but we can’t feed our own fires all the time
we do need people
and writing is about reaching out to an audience and touching them somehow
i know you’ve heard all this before
10:20 PM but if it’s what you want, it’s worth repeating
friend: I so need to hear it all again. thanks.
10:21 PM I feel like deep down I have a voice, a fire, a spark at least but it’s so hard to believe sometimes when all you get is non-affirmation.
But I guess tonight I realized I’m looking in the wrong place for it.
[omitted stuff]
10:24 PM me: well, now i’m nurturing the talent in an academic setting
expanding horizons, testing ability
friend: does that feel liberating and affirming?
10:25 PM me: it does. but that’s inherent of a university setting
friend: true true.
10:26 PM Anyway, I just wanted to share what’s hot off the press. And that I feel like I’m made for something different, but can’t actualize.
10:27 PM And yet, I’ve seen you consistently pursue, pursue, pursue!
me: keep creating
just know [company] isn’t permanent
friend: I’m proud of you for that (and slightly jealous that I didn’t join you in the journey)
10:28 PM Right. true.
me: you’ve had an impressive journey yourself
friend: oh geez, these last couple have been a bit rough.
10:29 PM but, are they spicy for all the dicy? yes. have they held lessons, yes.
expensive lessons. tonight feels like an expensive lesson. I feel like I’m finally squaring with something I didn’t know I was trying not to square with.
10:30 PM I feel like I’m finally back where I was when I first started writing and yet I’m like 20 yrs older.
10:31 PM me: that shouldn’t matter
you’ve hit a wall professionally, but you’ve got a second wind creatively
that’s great
friend: true. I believe that in theory, but it feels behind to walk out.
10:32 PM I mean I feel behind in the walking out of the concept.
10:33 PM Thanks for the encouragement. i should prolly go to bed. it’s way past my bedtime.
me: chin up
friend: What time is it there? 10:30?
me: yep
10:34 PM friend: yes’m
Thank May-may.
me: anytime
i’m glad you’re you
friend: I look forward to phoning, seriously.
me: take your time
A Little Thinking 