Footage of Bastille Day

Regardez ces images et savez: Vive la France! And don’t forget to click “more” for the rest of the story. Also, if you hover over the photos, you’ll get their titles in addition to the captions below them.

We start our journey in the early evening, as the prisoners are settling into their nocturnal routines.

We first find ourselves a few miles north of the Bastille, making sure our presence as the French is known throughout the province. Fiction catches our eye.

We remember the days of the Revolution we're about to start.

We consider giving picture books as a gesture to the prisoners we're about to release. They don't read too good.

Our trusty cavalier is notifying us that what we're about to do is extremely brave, and be prepared for the forthcoming socialist government.

I muss the hair of a young man reading about our victory in the future we're about to make happen. Obviously the book he's reading hasn't been banished yet.

So begins our march on this noble mission. The ensign and those who've filed behind are ever so serious. And they plan to throw off the guards by not marching quite in unison. Looks like a casual stroll, n'est-ce pas?

We raise our flag toward the castle. This is going to be a difficult march.

He doesn't see us. We have this planned out perfectly, of course.

We surround them completely. Why for some reason do people not catch on to the flag as an indication we're not so peacefully taking back what's ours?

The Governor de Launay didn't see this coming. He's never seen this kind of precise militaristic strategy. He doesn't even notice how we're flanking him with our fancy army crawling.

Notice the technique, the dedication, the sacrifice for France. It makes sense she's a direct descendent of Joan of Arc.

No one can truly understand how complicated coordinating this operation was. It's nearly impossible to be a crawling ensign. I knew I had to have a specialist. Hats are also known to improve crawling. I have the perfect army.

We got past! We're charging the Bastille! This is the first time anyone's ever documented its legendary handrails. What tremendous passion, little army!

We're about to release the prisoners! Wave the flag proud! And put up your dukes, other guards! And prisoners be ready for a necessary scolding for the noncrimes you've committed.

What resolve. What a sense of pride and duty. I salute you, ensign.

Apparently a visit to the Hard Rock Cafe in San Antonio will insure victory when staging a coup. We broke through the door! Get ready to be free, France!

The general is estatic.
Our country is free! Since it's 1789, we might suggest making little flags out of something other than #2 pencils. Because we're so avant garde.
The general hasn't slept in a while. And maybe she ends up tutoring Napoleon.

There's always a martyr. He's definitely going to heaven where hats like that float amongst the rainbows. Il était un bon soldar.

Once all of the prisoners have left, we take a look around. These portraits are of prisoners who've eaten the most hot dogs at Coney Island every July 4th. The French don't need hot dogs.

Our plan was so flawless we were able to get past the Bastille's tight security.

We celebrate our victory with music, as the French are wont to do.

And a bamboo mannequin sporting a bikini, which, if we have time, we'll make a trip down to the Riviera.

And crèpes, bien sûr. I made sure the army knew that "French fries" don't count. Seriously. I would have dishonorably discharged some people. And maybe kicked their teeth in.

This is the second batch that we made. The batter was thinner, and my trusty ensign got to where she could handle two pans at once. I estimated she made 700, but she corrected me with 7,000. My mistake.

Of course we are playing French tunes. We're French, and we're playing tunes. How does that not make sense to you? Also, it was late at night, so we had to play quietly, and we ended up playing very soft, relaxing music, basking in our triumph.

The general is proud and happy. She doesn't know whether to play music right now or do a crossword puzzle. Oh, who is she fooling? She does her crosswords in pen. We play music until we can no longer keep our eyes open and basically until it's nearly time for the towing company to come around trying to extort the poor soldiers. The next coup will definitely be against University Parking Enforcement. It's been a great day, team. Thanks for all your help today in making Bastille Day true. Vive la France!

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