2010 in Review

I tried going through this past year’s 262 entries and I only made it through February before I started getting angry and feeling depressed all over again.

2010 was hard, and my attitude didn’t make it any better. I understood why I kept my distance. I wouldn’t have wanted to be around myself, either.

It’s been a year since I gave away the bunnies, Chicken and Pig. I don’t really talk about them much. I cry for them sometimes.

I guess I got some important stuff done. Didn’t get any Bs in classes. Worked/ing on some fun projects. Had a couple of publishing opportunities. Learned some really cool things. Got great jobs. Did some wonderful traveling.

All the while I loathed myself. Because I wasn’t myself.

Just imagine what I could have accomplished if I’d been more positive.

I’ll just keep taking life one day at a time.

Try to be better each day.

Fitter.

Happier.

More productive.

New year.

11:20 pm. Midnight’s too far away. I’d rather sleep now.

Smile, and dream big.

Blogs About Me, Not Really by Me.

There’s a primordial attempt at a New Year’s entry slurrying around in my brain. We’ll see if it’ll actually take shape.

In the meantime, read two stuffs from nice and awesome friends.

1. This was a lot of fun. I’m glad we could get together, but we shouldn’t let another 16 years pass before it happens again. Capiche? Happy New Year, old chum.

2. Amy is a nut. Since I can’t decide on a public identity, I was polling people for how my name should appear in print. Then I asked for help on a 50-word bio for the school literary journal that’s going to publish one of my stories.* She’s brilliant anyway, but this seals the deal.

*That’s a piece of good news that I had intended to share, but I wanted to wait until the journal went to press. Almost there.

The Year I Didn’t Blog About Christmas

I have nothing new or original to add.

There were quite a few entries prior to this weekend, prior to finals where I mentioned Christmas. It’s been a while.

I didn’t even think about getting people Christmas gifts. Not on purpose.

Won’t my presence be enough. Won’t my company suffice.

I certainly wasn’t expecting anything.

It’s  nice taking classes at BYU; I’ve felt the Spirit more this semester through my professors and the texts than I have in a long time. Not even religion classes I took long ago offered the same experiences that I’ve had the past few months.

That’s because being 18-22 is so different than what I am now.

When my mom came home my first night back in Florida a few days ago, she said something snarky. Not to me, but to someone else, but it was about me. It hurt my feelings, so I snarked back. Hard.

I stayed angry for a little bit.

I’m so glad you’re  here.

Are you really, Mom?

I always feel like a stranger, because I don’t feel at home anywhere.

An appendage, an afterthought, a guest.

This is my fault, though, because I don’t feel like a daughter or much of a friend.

Poor me, right?

What kind of loser do you take me for?

I’m a great daughter and extraordinary friend.

Mom and I stayed up for the next couple of hours. She showed me some wedding photos and her wedding DVD; I showed  her some videos on YouTube, and we talked for a little bit.

She stood up to head off to bed. She hugged me.

I’m so glad you’re here.

Me, too, Mom.

So, what’s everyone else’s problem?

No problem, really; they’re off being awesome, too.

This is Christmas, right?

We know through Christ all things are possible. We know that all the Father has is ours, and we can enjoy it at this very moment.

Carpe diem is part of gaining eternity.

I’ll just sit here with my chocolate cake with peppermint frosting (for breakfast) and cheer you on.

I am happy for you.

I am happy.

Today Is Monday, December 13, 2010

I slept from 3:00am-7:00am

studied until 10:30am

worked from 11:30am-8am, doing actual work, though maybe I tried studying for about an hour of that time

came home

ate

finally changed the time on my computer to reflect the Mountain time zone. It’s been on an Eastern time zone clock ever since I moved here. I’d been resistant to changing it this whole time.

am going to study some more

cannot stop grinding my teeth

Good night, dear loves.

Holy Night

No one bothered to tell me the original French version of  “O Holy Night” is so much better than the English.

I attended a Christmas in France presentation a couple weeks ago on campus, and a tenor from the Tabernacle Choir sang “Minuit, chrétiens.” The lyrics were projected onto a giant screen in the assembly hall of the Hinckley Center, and we read along as he sang.  Mindblowing. Awe-inspiring. I don’t know if this is technically a hymn, and I generally don’t applaud after hymns or sacred things, so I just sat there, because that’s all I could do, proving it is possible to be simultaneously stupefied and moved. The poetry is purely exquisite.

Vodpod videos no longer available.
Enrico Caruso – O Holy Night (1916 in original …
, posted with vodpod

Minuit, chrétiens, c’est l’heure solennelle,
Où l’Homme-Dieu descendit jusqu’à nous
Pour effacer la tache originelle
Et de Son Père arrêter le courroux.
Le monde entier tressaille d’espérance
En cette nuit qui lui donne un Sauveur.
Peuple à genoux, attends ta délivrance.
Noël, Noël, voici le Rédempteur,
Noël, Noël, voici le Rédempteur !
De notre foi que la lumière ardente
Nous guide tous au berceau de l’Enfant,
Comme autrefois une étoile brillante
Y conduisit les chefs de l’Orient.
Le Roi des rois naît dans une humble crèche :
Puissants du jour, fiers de votre grandeur,
A votre orgueil, c’est de là que Dieu prêche.
Courbez vos fronts devant le Rédempteur.
Courbez vos fronts devant le Rédempteur.
Le Rédempteur a brisé toute entrave :
La terre est libre, et le ciel est ouvert.
Il voit un frère où n’était qu’un esclave,
L’amour unit ceux qu’enchaînait le fer.
Qui lui dira notre reconnaissance,
C’est pour nous tous qu’il naît, qu’il souffre et meurt.
Peuple debout ! Chante ta délivrance,
Noël, Noël, chantons le Rédempteur,
Noël, Noël, chantons le Rédempteur !

I couldn’t find a version on YouTube that featured all three verses, but if Enrico Caruso only sang two back (the first and last verses) in 1916, that’s okay. Maybe there wasn’t room on the record. Plus, the full version is about nine-minutes.  I’ll include it here as well, in case you have the time. A choral group performs this one. I very much prefer a solo tenor with orchestra.

A Couple Nifty Finds

Thomas Traherne and Cat Power have some things in common. I’ve had rather spiritual experiences with the both of them in the past couple of weeks. You’ll see their expressions and tones are quite different, but the ideas are pretty similar. Hopeful and nostalgic. Poignant and inspirational. I didn’t find these gems so much as they found me: Traherne is from a class, and Cat Power is from a friend.

This is an excerpt from Thomas Traherne’s Centuries of Meditations. He’s just uber-optimistic, but he lived right smack-dab at the beginning of the 17th Century when religion and science were about to really-really clash,  and politics and philosophy and individual thought were emerging. He’s very … light, compared to Donne and Bacon and Hobbes and Herbert.

This is a winter song, and of course it’s rather melancholy. The simple piano and the lyrics are especially powerful.

Vodpod videos no longer available.
Cat Power- Colors and the kids (pics and lyrics)
, posted with vodpod

Lyrics here