I am not going to apologize for the recent churchy posts, just because 1)well, I don’t have to and 2)it has really helped to process some of the less positive feelings I’ve had by returning to some spiritual fundamentals and writing them out. I am attending BYU, after all. After all these years, which aren’t that many, considering some people leave school when they get married and don’t get to go back until the kids are grown, or even much later.

I mean, it’s BYU. You’re either Mormon or you promise by signing something to behave like one. A good one. I guess you sign something either way. Either way, you outwardly express an inner commitment.

And one of my deepest commitments, dear friends, is to be a cougar.

Some friends and I went to dinner this evening for some barbecue nearby. We sat in a booth and shortly our waiter came to introduce himself. He asked how we were, and at the time I was checking my phone for a response to a text message to a friend about getting lucky on a date. So I didn’t answer the waiter, but the friend sitting across from me did. He asked what we needed, if we’d like a kids’ menu. My friend answered no.

Of course I heard.

Then the waiter asked if what we wanted to drink. My friend answered first, then I requested “just water” as well. Then something … grown up about my voice registered in the waiter’s brain, which caused him to state that I am not a kid, that I look really young, that he was sorry.

I sent out another text message.

This is the second time in about three weeks something like this has happened. It’s not a fluke; I look almost disturbingly young for my age. But seriously? Do I look like a kid? Do I look like I shouldn’t stay home without my mom? Do I look like I need to sign a minor’s waiver with a parent’s signature so I can go kayaking for free on the Hudson?

If the answer to these questions is a resounding “yes,” then how in the world, dear friends, am I going to be successful at BYU as a cougar?

Why are cougars so appealing, anyway?

1)They’re older
2)They’re hot
3)They’re on the prowl for younger men

1)I am older; I’ll be a non-traditional student. But what works here is that effective cougars look older. What’s so attractive is they seem more experienced in … life, and I would guess usually are. Well, I don’t really have to guess. I kind of know, but that is neither here nor there. Ahem…. I wonder, would it be helpful if I disclosed my age early on? Once guys actually hear the number, will they perceive my maturity and sophistication?

2)I’m pretty hot. I can tell when people are thinking it, and I brush it off with a false modesty when they try to tell me, and usually once people forget how short I am or how young I look, it becomes quite obvious. Have you seen how I clean up? Have you seen this rockin’ bod?

3)As long as I don’t pursue tenured professors, younger men will be the majority of my targets. Early-to-mid-20s; maybe a smidge older. Eager, wide-eyed; maybe open-minded, or ever-so drawn toward a certain older woman who could teach them a few things. Or many things. That just depends.

I did sign something, though. So. Maybe I really don’t have that much to worry about, after all.

Either way, maybe this balances all the churchiness for you.