No Lack of Self-Indulgence Here

A few excerpts from chats. Altered to be anonymous. No context, except the timestamps. But maybe a little insight.

Friend: may
how long are you going to be in Utah?
11:47 AM me: a while
thousands of years
Friend: like years?
me: that’s where i’ll be translatedd
Friend: i’ll be molded into dust by then
like, 5 years?
me: 1.5 to 2, maybe longer
11:48 AM Friend: hmm
me: we’ll see
Friend: if i move back to utah do you want to be roommates?
me: i want to!
… what?!
Friend: just asking.
you know
as hypotheticals
me: ah yes. those
Friend: every time i go home i miss my family
and i miss being by them
11:49 AM but the idea of moving back to UT single sounds like self-inflicted torture of the worst kind
i miss my family
and if nothing changes out here in a year or two
i think i might as well be single near family
i don’t know…
me: i hear you
loud and clear
hopefully i’ll be out of dumb byu approved housing by then
11:50 AM so we can live a debaucherous life

Honestly, I haven’t thought much about where I’d be after school. More school? In Utah? Another country? Also, as much as I joke about the cougar thing, being single in five years is not outside the realm of possibility. Also, is “dumb byu approved housing” insulting?


1:43 PM Friend: yeah it’s a unique situation. They think they need some space to know for sure this is what they want…so I move and yet they still want to date? I am confused and so it’s hard to know what to accept at the moment?
1:44 PM me: that’s understandable
you may just need to understand they’re confused
and their behavior’s gonna indicate that
1:45 PM but you have to set some conditions too
because they confuse you
and they may not know
if they need space, they have to mean it
really get down to the bottom of what they want
1:46 PM without you
at least for a while
otherwise it sends mixed signals
Friend: true… it’s the constant mixed signals that get to me.
1:47 PM me: first, you deserve to be understood
and treated fairly
1:48 PM they’re not being fair to you when they say one thing and do another
and it may not be their fault
but it still happens
1:49 PM Friend: We are trying to find that happy medium…a win win for both…where they feel their freedom and space to figure things out and I have my clear view of the true situation and what I can offer from there.
me: ok
Friend: It still sucks when there’s a connection and one pulls away and the other is unsure what will happen?
1:50 PM me: the uncertainty sucks
but be prepared for whatever happens
limit those kinds of expectations, if you have to have them
1:51 PM Friend: true… I do tend to hope and wait and want it to turn out great…but I really don’t know with this one.
1:52 PM me: that’s one of the great / unfortunate things about you – you put your whole heart out there
1:53 PM Friend: I don’t [know] if it’s a good thing or not. I seem to get hurt a lot. I can’t seem to change that about me though. 🙂

Sometimes I have this issue with giving unsolicited advice. Sometimes I just want to know if friends are willing to talk about their tough times. Maybe it ends up helping them, but more often it helps me stop feeling sorry for my sorry self.


3:52 PM Friend: are you already moved to byu? I saw spackling…
me: end of the month
3:53 PM Friend: at least you can write neatly. I have to focus really hard.
I never heard if you got the scholarship
3:54 PM also, how is skype possiblity looking?
me: no … gpa upon leaving wasn’t up to snuff
my sad little pc takes a while to get set up for skype, but sometimes it works
3:55 PM Friend: aww man! Well the Lord knows what you need, right?
me: yeah
Friend: maybe we could try to try again sometime soon.
3:56 PM I just need to be made to do social things right now. Wanna hold me to something? I really want to turtle in lately dealing wtih all this, so I’m forcing me to force you to be social with me. Like that?
3:57 PM me: i like it
i’ve felt that way before
just some interaction helps
even on a somewhat superficial level
3:58 PM Friend: yeah, right. and you bring out a side of me that no one else in teh world evokes. really, you do.
Something in me that I’m likely to forget when you’re not in my life.
I don’t mean to get gushy, but it’s true.
me: aww
i know what you mean
Friend: i knew you would.

My friends are so freaking worth it. They don’t even know.

Another Incident

I am not going to apologize for the recent churchy posts, just because 1)well, I don’t have to and 2)it has really helped to process some of the less positive feelings I’ve had by returning to some spiritual fundamentals and writing them out. I am attending BYU, after all. After all these years, which aren’t that many, considering some people leave school when they get married and don’t get to go back until the kids are grown, or even much later.

I mean, it’s BYU. You’re either Mormon or you promise by signing something to behave like one. A good one. I guess you sign something either way. Either way, you outwardly express an inner commitment.

And one of my deepest commitments, dear friends, is to be a cougar.

Some friends and I went to dinner this evening for some barbecue nearby. We sat in a booth and shortly our waiter came to introduce himself. He asked how we were, and at the time I was checking my phone for a response to a text message to a friend about getting lucky on a date. So I didn’t answer the waiter, but the friend sitting across from me did. He asked what we needed, if we’d like a kids’ menu. My friend answered no.

Of course I heard.

Then the waiter asked if what we wanted to drink. My friend answered first, then I requested “just water” as well. Then something … grown up about my voice registered in the waiter’s brain, which caused him to state that I am not a kid, that I look really young, that he was sorry.

I sent out another text message.

This is the second time in about three weeks something like this has happened. It’s not a fluke; I look almost disturbingly young for my age. But seriously? Do I look like a kid? Do I look like I shouldn’t stay home without my mom? Do I look like I need to sign a minor’s waiver with a parent’s signature so I can go kayaking for free on the Hudson?

If the answer to these questions is a resounding “yes,” then how in the world, dear friends, am I going to be successful at BYU as a cougar?

Why are cougars so appealing, anyway?

1)They’re older
2)They’re hot
3)They’re on the prowl for younger men

1)I am older; I’ll be a non-traditional student. But what works here is that effective cougars look older. What’s so attractive is they seem more experienced in … life, and I would guess usually are. Well, I don’t really have to guess. I kind of know, but that is neither here nor there. Ahem…. I wonder, would it be helpful if I disclosed my age early on? Once guys actually hear the number, will they perceive my maturity and sophistication?

2)I’m pretty hot. I can tell when people are thinking it, and I brush it off with a false modesty when they try to tell me, and usually once people forget how short I am or how young I look, it becomes quite obvious. Have you seen how I clean up? Have you seen this rockin’ bod?

3)As long as I don’t pursue tenured professors, younger men will be the majority of my targets. Early-to-mid-20s; maybe a smidge older. Eager, wide-eyed; maybe open-minded, or ever-so drawn toward a certain older woman who could teach them a few things. Or many things. That just depends.

I did sign something, though. So. Maybe I really don’t have that much to worry about, after all.

Either way, maybe this balances all the churchiness for you.