Brooding

Tori Amos has this song, “China”:

China all the way to New York
I can feel the distance getting close
You’re right next to me
But I need an airplane
I can feel the DISTANCE as you breathe

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great WALL around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China decorates our table
Funny how the CRACKS don’t seem to show
Pour the wine dear
You say we’ll take a holiday
But we never can agree on where to go

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great WALL around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China all the way to New York
Maybe you got lost in MEXICO
You’re right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance learns to grow

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great WALL around you
I can feel the distance
I can feel the distance
I can feel the distance getting close

The wall feels present. Unignorable. I’ve developed closeness, and then I’ve made room for distance. Is this a defense mechanism? because it’s definitely not deliberate. I think it’s what I’ve always done. I have a healthier perspective on things these days, so whatever this is is going to work out.

Relationships feel funny lately. Not ha-ha funny, but off. Just slightly. Enough to notice. Maybe it’s just something I’m not used to. Finding words for it is particularly challenging right now. Like I really have to dig. Work my way through or around or under that wall.

A little discussion.

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