Today I wondered if I have a friend who knows everything about me. I don’t think I do. My therapist knows almost everything, and that’s the closest anyone has come. And friends don’t need to know the things I pay someone that no one should know. My therapist was cool.
It’s hard to find really good friends. I guess that’s the point. I’m always grateful when I do find them. They know who they are, and it’s wonderful how we support each other and make each other laugh and talk about important things, and sometimes not-so-important things. But not everything.
I wonder if I let people be as close to me as I used to. I wonder if my boundaries are healthier. I wonder about my personality. My life. The weather. If I can stop thinking irrationally right now.
When one looks forward to spring and summer as much as she dreads winter, it’s all she can do not to let the cold punish her bones and torture her into a stubborn sleep, all season long.
The earth is coasting downhill from the solstice, and the days lengthen a little bit each day. I can feel the earth tilt the tiniest fraction of a degree, the northern hemisphere toward the sun as our brave little planet makes its way around the star that controls it, that controls me.
The sun rises a few minutes earlier each day; sets a few minutes later each evening. I crave daylight.
My chest feels tight. Sometimes I feel like I’m bobbing up and down in this sea of winter, treading, coughing it up and sputtering when the waves sweep over my head.
It’s a lot better than it could be; it never did get all that bad. I tolerate. I tread. I try not to complain. And while days seem like they’re passing more quickly, the anxiety and shallow breathing slow things down. I wish I could describe it better.
Orbit, Earth; tilt! Go, go, go.