He’s actually kind of hunting me down.

I’ve calmed down considerably since Sunday. I promise. I’ve considered calling my therapist, because I could really use a therapist’s help. The therapist knows my entire life story and could offer some reason and encouragement to pray about this situation, just like all of you have. It’s been an entire year since my last appointment.

An update:

Apparently, my biological father hasn’t asked around for my mom. He has asked for me, specifically.

He travels between the Philippines and San Francisco regularly.

He has even been to Florida.

This brings me to ask, have we seen each other and not known it? Could we have met? Could our paths have crossed with us completely oblivious to each other?

Also, why is he so determined?

Writing Right Now Will Probably Make Me Late for Work

So, I’ve tried visualizing it.

What’s blurry is the part where I give my consent to my mom’s cousin, whose brother happened to run into my biological father. In the Philippines. Right place at the right time. Probability baffles.

What’s a little more clear is me sitting somewhere with him, and we’re talking. I don’t know where we decide to meet. In my mind it looks like a counter in a public place. Is it in the United States? Is it in the Philippines? Would he be willing to travel? Do I need to continue sitting on my hands waiting for the government to let me know when I can swear in as a US citizen so I can apply for a passport so I can travel?

Who are my half-brothers and sisters?

How long has he been looking for me?

How often did I cross his mind these last 32 years?

I imagine him being slightly tortured. He knew I existed all this time, but I had no idea of him until I was about 20 years old.

If I had known longer, would I have gone looking for him? He’s been a faint blip on my radar, but like I said, the possibility of meeting had never really occurred to me. It wasn’t possible. It wasn’t reality.  Plus, I already have a Dad.

I have this full life, halfway around the world, with friends and career and family. I could strive for more and probably will, but this is probably the happiest I’ve ever been.

That doesn’t explain the sudden tears from two days ago. I still don’t understand it. Usually I can identify emotions. This one’s new, or the reason behind it is one I haven’t experienced. Of course. Maybe I’ve deliberately or subconsciously set this part of my life aside, I haven’t processed it the way I should. So maybe that’s why I’m confused.

Confused.

Confused? Well, yeah, I guess. This loose end is now more prominent, more present, more immediate, and I have to address it. It didn’t seem to need closure, but now it is an issue I understand needs a resolution. That’s all I understand. I understand enough to be redundant, that’s how confused I am. At least I understand that.

Is he religious?

What are his sensibilities? his tendencies? Do we have similar gestures? facial expressions? idiosyncrasies?

I guess I’m also curious. But the stronger emotion wins here. It makes everthing blurry.

Maybe there’s something he needs to say to me. And maybe it’s something I need to hear.

I wish this made sense.