Some small matters. Smattersome.

I found a piece of paper folded up in one of my coats. I unfolded it and read it the other day. Here are its contents:

Lips dry vs. moist
full vs. thin – shape

Pressure
Breath
Approach
Tongue

This list is in my handwriting. The coat isn’t very old. So I must have written the list relatively recently. Why did I make that list? What was on my mind? I guess it’s obvious “what” was on my mind, but did I really need to make a list about it? Well, while I’m here, I might as well break it down. All of this pertains to mouth-kissing by the way. No cheeks or foreheads here.

Lips – dry vs. moist. Kissing isn’t comfortable or pleasant with dry lips for either party. With winter in full force, always keep your lips moisturized. Especially with the season conducive to cuddling, you know how one thing leads to another? Cuddling can easily lead to kissing, so make sure to keep your lip balm handy. You don’t need to be “handy,” just the lip balm. I’m only advising those who intend to be/stay chaste. For you hussies out there, do whatever the heck you want.

full vs. thin. You know who has horrible screen kissing? Kevin Costner. The man has okay-looking lips, but he tucks his lips in during movie kisses, like you would if you pretended not to have any teeth, see, sonny-boy? Then he kisses the leading lady. It looks way too rigid. I would compare it to trying to kiss a juice glass. I guess it’s fine if that’s what you like, but seriously, that’s what you like? Kenneth Branagh has really thin lips. Like a chicken’s. Good grief, for the reasons for Emma Thompson to divorce him, I certainly wouldn’t be able to tolerate kissing bird lips for very long. Maybe that was a condition on the prenuptials.

Pressure. Folks, you’re not giving CPR here; you don’t have to form an airtight seal. It’s okay to start out on the gentle side. Leave more for the wanting. If you kiss too hard, you’ll start feeling teeth through the lips, and that’s just weird. And, if you draw blood, that’s points against you. Pressure can make up for thin lips; it can also make you wish you never have to kiss anyone again.

Breath. This is common sense, folks. Search the internet and ask friends’ advice for breath fresheners, and come up with fun and inventive ways to do breath checks. I open my mouth slightly, jaw slightly out so when I exhale from the throat, the air from my mouth travels to my nose, and I know quickly and discreetly whether I need to break out the gum. It’s a pretty noiseless process, too. If you’re sitting close to your date, you can usually tell right away whether you might be kissing a stinker. Either offer him some gum, or wriggle your way out of a possible kissing disaster. It’s easier than you probably think.

Approach. The both of you have a pretty good idea when a kiss is coming up. Don’t bang teeth. Turn your heads complementarily. Let the lips linger a bit, but not too long. Don’t be a Hoover Deluxe, please. There were times I thought my soul was being sucked out of me. Pace yourself. You’ll eventually learn and adapt to each other’s approaches.

Tongue. There is such a thing as overdoing this. Yes. I can’t emphasize that enough. Now, I have not seen nor read 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, but who wants a slimy sea creature exploring your throat? You chasties out there, don’t permit a lot of tongue. It’s there mostly for greater surface area and increased sensitivity, but if you don’t know what you’re doing, it ends up being a pretty gross exprience and very disappointing.

Not that I have anyone to be kissing on; I don’t even have anyone to prowl, but it’s nice to remind myself every once in a while that kisses are nice. They can be awkward and sometimes offensive, but they can also be quite pleasant. May your cuddling be merry and bright, and may all of your kisses be … right.

A little discussion.

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