October 1, 2011

It’s General Conference Weekend, and This Doesn’t “Feel” Contrary …

Posted by mayiwrite under advice, church, friends, lists, mormonism, my life, observations, relationships, single life, therapy, writing | Tags: , , , , |
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Life coasts along, life dazzles, life punches squarely in the stomach. What else should we really expect?

I know I keep saying I’ll post actual updates.

A lot is going on,

and I’ve found time to blog about it before, but

Yeah. No legitimate excuse.

—

Classes, really quick:

My religion class and I sometimes butt heads. But it’s been good for me.

History and Criticism of Rhetoric is fun. We’ve talked about Legally Blonde and My Cousin Vinny, and we’ve done homework based on Sunset Blvd and Law & Order. And this weekend we’re analyzing oratory style of any talk at General Conference, according to Saint Augustine.

Introduction to French Literary Analysis is a lot of fun. I may have to dedicate a post just to how much I love French poetry. Because, SERIOUSLY.

Early American Auto/Biography blows me away. I’m reading excellent things by fascinating people, and I wish we could read more women. But if it’s any consolation to myself, reading what I have so far — Benjamin Franklin, PT Barnum, Ralph Waldo Emerson — makes me feel pretty outstanding. I have stories about this class, too.

My poetry writing class. Oh, my heart. I’m cultivating this profound appreciation and there’s only 11 students in the class, and the instructor is adorable and instructive and encouraging. She stood briefly on a soapbox the other day about how a lot of television these days is produced at a 5th-grade level and that Americans don’t know how to think anymore. I felt so much pride then. And, then it’s crazy how we workshop each other’s poems and how I’ve just had to simply get over or ignore being scared of sharing what I know to be mostly subpar poetry with my genius classmates. I wish you could read my classmates’ poems, because WOW.

Aside from classes, there’s church and dating and work. Visiting friends and maintaining friendships because I love my friends so very much.

OH and applying to grad schools and talking to professors about all my options after graduation.

Which will be in April.

Holy crap.

But my original reason for posting right now is that I want to reblog some useful things I came across this past week. Just two things, one each from a Utah couple I’ve been following for the past five years. I’ve mentioned them before. Winter’s on its way. People get sad in conjunction with or separately from the approaching and increasing darkness. Also, although I’m decently insulated in Provo, I try to remain aware of what’s happening around me. Bad things happen all the time, regardless, and we have to deal.  While we’ll be receiving counsel and encouragement from Church leaders this weekend, I think a few other resources are okay, especially for those square punches in the stomach. Please reblog if you feel the need.

From Jon Armstrong:

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

And, Heather Armstrong (click the quote for the entire post):

What is worse? Being sad because something tragic has happened, or being sad because that is all your brain knows how to do?

Enjoy Conference, y’all.

 

August 20, 2011

I Might Skip A Little Bit of Work for This

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It’s sort of crazy that Heather Armstrong and I live in the same state. I’ve been following her for quite a few years now. I met her and got her autograph when she came to New York to promote a compilation of essays from different bloggers about fathers.

But she’s the keynote speaker for a ribbon cutting of a new wing of the Neuropsychiatric Institute in Salt Lake City on Tuesday morning.

When I first started reading her blog, I found out about her Mormon upbringing, her graduation from BYU, and her politics. And I kept reading because everything was so well-written and her life after college was very interesting. I’ve truly enjoyed being able to see into parts of her life.

And instead of seeing her in person as just a famous blogger, it would be a great opportunity to hear her speak about mental health, which is a big reason why she’s a famous blogger.

Because mental health is important. And I’m interested in what she has to say.

Come along if you want to.

 

March 21, 2011

I Took A 5-hour Nap Yesterday

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friend: how is my friend May?
me: i’m sleeping a lot
friend: hmmm
why is that?
me: i guess i’d rather sleep sometimes than be awake
life is easier
friend: ugh
I’ve been there
but I hate that that’s where you are right now
me: i get up for work and class
just not much more than that
friend: oh no
I really hate to hear that
anything in particular weighing on you, or is it just life in general feeling like a slog?
me: just general
friend: yeah, I hate to hear that
I mean, I understand
I wish I could help….but you know things will turn around and look brighter soon
me: yeah
thanks
friend: I know that’s not encouraging
me: i don’t really expect it. you’re fine, really

I think I’m still okay. I can have fun chats with friends, and I can be social sometimes.

My dreams are crazy, though.  I told someone I dreamt that Prince died, and I spent much of last week consciously believing he was dead. And I have bizarre French dreams.

I wonder if this semester ending will help at all. There are still a few weeks left.

The sunshine should help. I hope it does.

But for now, it’s bedtime.

 

March 5, 2011

I Like This Movie

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This movie is truly one of the best child actor performances I have ever seen. Of course Lee Pace is cute and stuff, but the little girl really steals the show. Her innocence, her role melts into her being. It doesn’t even seem like she’s acting.

In other news, my life seems to be crumbling before my very eyeballs. That is, if I kept my eyeballs open long enough to notice. I’m overwhelmed and frustrated, and sleep is my newest and best friend. It doesn’t judge or yell; it just lets me be.

Six weeks of class left. I don’t know, you guys.

 

December 31, 2010

2010 in Review

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I tried going through this past year’s 262 entries and I only made it through February before I started getting angry and feeling depressed all over again.

2010 was hard, and my attitude didn’t make it any better. I understood why I kept my distance. I wouldn’t have wanted to be around myself, either.

It’s been a year since I gave away the bunnies, Chicken and Pig. I don’t really talk about them much. I cry for them sometimes.

I guess I got some important stuff done. Didn’t get any Bs in classes. Worked/ing on some fun projects. Had a couple of publishing opportunities. Learned some really cool things. Got great jobs. Did some wonderful traveling.

All the while I loathed myself. Because I wasn’t myself.

Just imagine what I could have accomplished if I’d been more positive.

I’ll just keep taking life one day at a time.

Try to be better each day.

Fitter.

Happier.

More productive.

New year.

11:20 pm. Midnight’s too far away. I’d rather sleep now.

Smile, and dream big.

 

December 4, 2010

Crêches

Posted by mayiwrite under friends, holiday, lists, nature, new york city, nostalgia, weekend | Tags: , , , , , , , , |
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It’s December, and I’m trying to get a grasp on the papers due and the finals to take. The next twelve days are going to be crazy, and right now I value my sanity more than good grades. I can accept that I didn’t work as hard this semester, and I know my grades are going to reflect that.

Perspective is in order, because it’s not really finals time: it’s December. Snow frosts the mountains, an appropriate chill clings to the air. It gets dark early, but I still thrive on the same amount of light that I do during the rest of the year. The adjustment becomes more difficult as I get older. It’s not fun.

December makes me miss my friends. I miss how we used to just … be.  Being out here supposedly was a choice for ultimate happiness but between the high points, pure misery stood on my throat. That’s just life, though. We find ways to deal. For now, it’s cranking out papers and cramming history and literature and French into the leftover and obscure folds of my brain. But after finals, it’ll be five days in New York City and a week in Florida. It’s called May’s Semester Incentive Program.

If you’re part of the BYU community that receives the Alumni online newsletter (current students receive it, as well as alumni), you’ve probably seen this video. If you want to skip the quoting of scriptures and commentary, slide over to about 1:55, where you can enjoy the music and photography.

Happy December.

 

November 22, 2009

Dark and Angry

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Kübler-Ross’s model for grief doesn’t seem to apply here, as it suggests five distinct stages in a particular order – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance – and that’s not what’s happening right now.

In fact, further research suggests this theory is really only a theory, and others argue this model only applies to people whose loss is the passing of a loved one.

Grief, in general, applies to loss. Of anything significant. Maybe I’m still grieving New York City, which sounds downright pathetic.

Thing is, I can’t tell if I’m grieving, or if I’m just depressed and angry. I struggle with it. I go out and spend time with friends, I look for work, I go to church, I strive to be good. But my mind recedes into the shadows.

Throw guilt on top of that – feeling I’m always saying or doing something wrong or hurtful or making things more complicated than they are.

On the bright side, the dark thoughts that used to enter my head haven’t tried lately. These ideas used to visit me on subway platforms and other places.

I don’t feel I can really talk about it. I mean, I was getting better at talking to anybody about whatever I wanted. But if I were to try opening my mouth and uttering words – actual soundbytes – I wouldn’t be able to. It’s frustrating.

The best I can do is sum up: I’m sad and angry and guilty.

It’s time to get ready for church.

 

October 1, 2009

Sweet and Sour

Posted by mayiwrite under food, friends, links, my life, new york city, nostalgia | Tags: , , , |
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What I’ll miss: The Doughnut Plant
I went for the first time in the middle of July, and I’ve been four or five times since. The cheapest donut is $2.25, but it’s not any old donut. It’s dessert, and for dessert that’s reasonable. Go. Go more than once. Try a few different donuts. Share between friends if you actually do that sort of thing. But really: who shares anymore? Get your own dang donuts. I want the coconut and the carrot cake and the tres leches and everything else. And yes, I prefer that spelling of donut. And when I describe these donuts to people, I love seeing their eyes widen and their tongues dripping with drool, hanging from their mouths. You have to go. Get thee to Grand Street and consume the most heavenly donuts this side of heaven.

What I won’t miss: My propensity for depression
Stupid thing reared its ugly head here. Its ugly head was very ugly. I hated having it around. Its ugliness. I hated myself and how ugly I felt. I hated how it kept making me focus on everything ugly and it switched to ugly lenses in my eyes and everything I saw had an ugly cloud over it, an ugly, sticky film on it. Especially everything that had to do with myself.

I got it under control, though. That ain’t ugly.

 

May 28, 2009

Almost Done

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Down to 41. Looks like it’s gonna be a pretty exciting semifinal. The kids look pretty cool, and I recognize quite a few returning contestants.

I can’t really sleep. It’s almost 2am. I’m in the living room with my laptop. Maybe I could sleep, but I don’t know how much rest I would get, if that makes any sense.

If any of you can’t tell, I’m in pure escapist mode right now. Yes, I know I need to follow up on resume submissions. Yes, I know I could go out and look for temporary work. Yes, I know I should also probably apply to schools. Yes, I know I need to be praying more specifically about what’s happening next in my life. Yes, I know I could use a priesthood blessing. I know I need to be sensible. I know these things.

I feel like I’m fading. Emotionally, psychologically. I know it’s high time to be gone from New York City, and I’m doing my best to accept it, but I haven’t said anything about accepting it, and I pretty much won’t talk about it because I’m too busy escaping, not from New York, but from myself. Acceptance doesn’t mean painlessness. And I feel like I’ve blended into the background, like everybody else knows but they won’t say, but it doesn’t matter because they’ve already acknowledged it some other way and it’s like I’m already gone.

So it should be easier to leave then, right? Just slip out the back door.

I’m giving another talk this Sunday. It’s supposed to last 10 to 15 minutes.

Bedtime.

 

January 9, 2009

Revolves, Resolves

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Today I wondered if I have a friend who knows everything about me. I don’t think I do. My therapist knows almost everything, and that’s the closest anyone has come. And friends don’t need to know the things I pay someone that no one should know. My therapist was cool.

It’s hard to find really good friends. I guess that’s the point. I’m always grateful when I do find them. They know who they are, and it’s wonderful how we support each other and make each other laugh and talk about important things, and sometimes not-so-important things. But not everything.

I wonder if I let people be as close to me as I used to. I wonder if my boundaries are healthier. I wonder about my personality. My life. The weather. If I can stop thinking irrationally right now.

When one looks forward to spring and summer as much as she dreads winter, it’s all she can do not to let the cold punish her bones and torture her into a stubborn sleep, all season long.

The earth is coasting downhill from the solstice, and the days lengthen a little bit each day. I can feel the earth tilt the tiniest fraction of a degree, the northern hemisphere toward the sun as our brave little planet makes its way around the star that controls it, that controls me.

The sun rises a few minutes earlier each day; sets a few minutes later each evening. I crave daylight.

My chest feels tight. Sometimes I feel like I’m bobbing up and down in this sea of winter, treading, coughing it up and sputtering when the waves sweep over my head.

It’s a lot better than it could be; it never did get all that bad. I tolerate. I tread. I try not to complain. And while days seem like they’re passing more quickly, the anxiety and shallow breathing slow things down. I wish I could describe it better.

Orbit, Earth; tilt! Go, go, go.

 

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