Dear Darc Kontinent,

I love your band. I wish I could follow you on tour wherever you go. I wish that you could give a concert every week at my house and the neighbors would come to see what the commotion is and then I would charge them $20 or $55 to see you because they’d hear how awesome you are and would want to get as close to your band as possible. Who wouldn’t?

Can I please be a roadie? I’ve always wanted to be a roadie of a band that knows more than three chords. I could help carry guitars, but not amps. Amps are too heavy and then maybe you’d be arrested for child labor. Except that I’m not a child. I’m a grown adult that loves your music so much. Even though you’re a cover band, so it’s not technically your music, I enjoy your music beyond description. I could try to describe how I love your music, but then, what if I succeed?

Your concert Saturday night was off. the. hook. 24 songs! How impressive. I could tell everybody like the songs you played, and of course everyone so talented. The bass player was bobbing his head to the beat, and it was awesome. And the drummer was pretty cool. I sat next to his wife, and she said the he would look at her and shake his head whenever he messed up on his part, but nobody could tell. The lead singer was funny. He’s got real stage presence. His cutoff jeans and Converse shoes were exactly what a lot of people wore during the ’90s. But I didn’t wear anything like that. And then the rest of the band wore flannel shirts, because apparently the ’90s was a second Ice Age, even after the Cold War was over. The ’90s were weird. But they were some of the best years of my life. Thanks for taking me back to that time.

Can I say that the pizza was great, too? Roy’s makes excellent pizza, and if people happen to find themselves in Ephraim, Utah, I hope they make the effort to fully enjoy the fine establishment of Roy’s Pizza. They have salad, pasta, and ice cream, too! Pretty much all of my favorite foods, except cookies. Maybe they could put cookies on the menu.

Your ’90s show was so amazing. But I think I’m going to get everybody on the band a pair of JNCOs so that next time you do a ’90s show you’ll be more prepared. You’ll look the part even more. If I were your roadie, that’s what I would totally do.

The one guitarist to the right of the stage has a nice falsetto, and I like how he tied his flannel shirt around his waist for variety. Variety is the spice of life. That and cayenne pepper.

Darc Kontinent, I’ve been wondering if you could tell me more about the one guitarist. You know, the one who doesn’t move while he plays. The one who follows all the way through a strum to fix his sleeve.┬áHe also plays the mandolin. He’s so cute. His solos are impeccable, and I want a closer look at his unkempt yet sexy platinum blond hair. (He has black hair and a zebra bandana in the poster. Which is also very sexy.) He’s SO mysterious! While I love your band, I’m in love with your guitarist. I remember that after your concert last year around Halloween, this guitarist and I went to his place, and we made out for 3 or 4 hours. He totally swept me off my feet. He’s a real rock star.

Thanks again for another awesome show. I look forward to more of your shows and being your roadie!

Sincerely,

An adoring fan

– P.S. Here are some parts of the show I recorded.